Loving conversations of confrontation
Most of us have seen churches not handle conflict or open sin in the church very well. This is often referred to church discipline. To many of our modern ears it sounds offensive and heavy handed. After all, we might say, "What business does the church have in my personal life?" But, according to Matthew 18, Jesus wanted us to deal with sin between believers in the church. If he said it, we have to do something with his words.
Two extremes of poor discipline
I've seen this handled wrong in one of two extremes. On one hand, I've seen people living in open sin and the church doing nothing to address this. This was the scenario that Paul mentions in 1 Corinthians 5 and he is strong in telling the church to deal with it in a matter of discipline. I once saw a scenario where a man was having an affair while still married to his wife. He initiated the divorce but continued to be in an active affair with another woman. The church leadership did nothing - even while both attended the church separately. This created a lot hurt in the church.
On the other hand, there are times when the church rushes the process or are heavy handed in their discipline. I have known multiple believers who have experienced church hurt because the church did not practice discipline well. They either only listened to one side, assumed too much, or did not act in love. Even Paul encourages love and restoration among God's people.
Not correctly dealing with sin in the church or practicing Matthew 18 in an appropriate matter has been the source of much hurt and wounding for God's people. But, Jesus still calls us to practice it. If we don't, we may find that we create just as much hurt - like my example above.
What to remember in correction
The first step always begins not with the church or even with a group. It begins between two believers. It's not healthy to ignore sin that is cauing hurt to another person. However, that doesn't mean you address every offense or sin. In Matthew 7, Jesus also warns that we should be careful about judging others and trying to deal with the sin in their life when we have are own larger sins to deal with.
That said, we are our brother and sister's keeper. We do have a responsibility to watch over them and sometimes that watch care involves pointing out hurtful ways of living in their lives. We do it with grace and humility. In fact, the Gospel always humbles you and postures you to rightly address the sin in another person's life. When you realize you are saved by grace and not of works, you realize God saved you only because he loved you. You realize you don't measure up. As a result, you remember all of your sin and the grace that God showed in forgiving it. This way, you can turn to another believer in great humility and seek their good.
One tip to pastors and other believers helping people in this process. Be patient. Unless the sin is egregious, take time to listen to both sides. Don't rush to judgement. Give time to pray and discern. Repenteance can take time. Wisdom takes a patient approach. It doesn't mean that we ignore the sin. It simply means that we make sure we understand and let people know that we love them. Our patience, prayer, and deep listening give every opportunity to show a care in this process.
A time to practice the process of discipline
But, if there is a lack of repentance, it does mean that there is a process that must be followed in phases. There is a time when love is exercised in discipline. Just as a parent understands that discipline is sometimes necessary and the way to best love a child, so the people of God must remember that discipline is necessary.
When churches love one another and fight for one another, it encourages everyone to seek the good of one another. It's not about lording it over one another but seeking each other's good. It becomes a community of love, grace, and truth. And when we dot it the world will see a church filled with love and seeking purity. They will see the beauty of Christ on display and they will be drawn to it.
