The gift of friendship

We live in a world of loneliness and isolation. It's something that is more and more present in our culture. And it's not just something that we feel on an individual level, but that we feel as a society in many ways.

It's becoming more and more common because of changes in society, the world around us, and different shifts and breakdowns that have happened over the course of time. We've found that more and more, people feel isolated. They feel alone. They feel unseen, unloved, and unheard.

If you do a quick Google search, you can easily find a multitude of different sources—not just one survey, poll, or source, but data from all over the place showing people experiencing feelings of loneliness on a repeated basis. It's the exact opposite of what you might think: the younger you go, the more isolated, lonely, unseen, unheard, and unloved people often feel in these studies.

Something is going on in the world around us. A couple of years ago, the Surgeon General actually issued a warning stating that there is an epidemic of loneliness and isolation in our world today.

Today we're going to be talking about friendship—the gift of friendship. We're going to be looking at a very famous friendship found in 1st Samuel chapter 20.

As I looked at it, I didn't really intend to teach on friendship; it felt more topical. It's not something I've thought a lot about from the Scriptures, but we do see that the Bible talks in many places about deep friendship. We see this very famous, closely bonded friendship in the lives of two men, and I believe it reveals things we really need today.

It can be an answer to the loneliness and isolation we feel in a world that challenges us with individualistic behaviors—where we pull into our driveways, shut our garage doors, turn on technology and TV, binge Netflix, and remain disengaged from the world around us.

More importantly, this is not a conversation about how to receive friendship, but how to give it, why we should give it, and why followers of Jesus, more than anyone, should offer that to the world.

Scripture Reading: 1 Samuel 20:1–17

I'm going to be reading from 1st Samuel chapter 20, looking at the first 17 verses of our passage today. You'll remember that David is fleeing for his life. As we studied last week, David has been on the run. Saul is trying to kill him, so David ran around Israel a bit, fled to Samuel, and now we pick up here in verse one:

Then David fled from Naioth in Ramah and came and said before Jonathan, "What have I done? What is my guilt? And what is my sin before your father, that he seeks my life?"And he said to him, "Far from it! You shall not die. Behold, my father does nothing, either great or small, without disclosing it to me. And why should my father hide this from me? It is not so."But David vowed again, saying, "Your father knows well that I have found favor in your eyes, and he thinks, 'Do not let Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved.' But truly, as the Lord lives and as your soul lives, there is but a step between me and death."Then Jonathan said to David, "Whatever you say, I will do for you."David said to Jonathan, "Behold, tomorrow is the new moon, and I shall not fail to sit at the table with the king. But let me go, that I may hide myself in the field till the third day at evening. If your father misses me at all, then say, 'David earnestly asked leave of me to run to Bethlehem, his city, for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the clan.' If he says, 'Good!' it will be well with your servant. But if he is angry, then know that harm is determined by him. Therefore deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the Lord with you. But if there is guilt in me, kill me yourself, for why should you bring me to your father?"And Jonathan said, "Far be it from you! If I knew that it was determined by my father that harm should come to you, would I not tell you?"Then David said to Jonathan, "Who will tell me if your father answers you roughly?"And Jonathan said to David, "Come, let us go out into the field." So they both went out into the field.And Jonathan said to David, "The Lord, the God of Israel, be witness, when I have sounded out my father, about this time tomorrow, or the third day, behold, if he is well disposed toward David, shall I not then send and disclose it to you? But should it please my father to do you harm, the Lord do so to Jonathan and more also, if I do not disclose it to you and send you away, that you may go in safety. May the Lord be with you, as he has been with my father. If I am still alive, show me the steadfast love of the Lord, that I may not die; and do not cut off your steadfast love from my house forever, when the Lord cuts off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth."And Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, "May the Lord take vengeance on David's enemies." And Jonathan made David swear again by his love for him, for he loved him as he loved his own soul.

The Church as a Sign and a Bridge

This story has been unfolding over the past several chapters. You'll remember that even after David killed the giant Goliath, Jonathan saw David and entered into a covenant and friendship with him. Their friendship deepened over time, giving us a beautiful picture of true friendship.

Friendship is something we all need; it's a gift from God that we can offer to one another. Jonathan offers the gift of friendship to a shepherd boy—someone far beneath him socially. Jonathan is the heir to the throne, the king's firstborn son. Yet he approaches David, loves him, stays in his corner, and supports him.

As Christians, God loves us and has revealed Himself as our friend. God called Abraham His friend, and Jesus told His disciples, "I no longer call you servants, but friends." We have a friendship with God rooted in His unconditional love. While God reveals Himself as a Father and in other ways, He also reveals Himself as a friend. He loves us in spite of ourselves, inviting us to be known, loved, and accepted by Him. He looks into our lives, sees all that we are, and still loves us completely.

Out of that wellspring in our own hearts as followers of Jesus, we are filled. We can say: I am loved. I am known by God. He is my friend. He is for me and working in my life.

From that sense of fullness, we can turn to others and extend love and friendship. We don't exhaust it on ourselves; we share it with the world and within the church community. We don't do this to fill a void in our own hearts, but to share what we've received. As people serve and build deep bonds of fellowship, love and friendship grow.

If you don't get anything else today, I want you to get this: when we as the church extend friendship to one another—knowing we are fully loved by God and reciprocating that love—the church becomes a true community of love, service, loyalty, and devotion. It becomes unconditional, based on who we are in Christ.

In doing so, the church becomes a sign of an ultimate reality: that one day God will gather all His people together in a new heavens and new earth, where we will be fully and perfectly loved. Until that day, our friendships form a sign of what is in store for God's people.

It is not only a sign, but also a bridge. When we live out this love, we can turn to people outside our congregation and invite them in. We can extend the offer of friendship to people regardless of their income, status, or background, valuing them simply because they are created in the image of God. The people of God live as a sign and a bridge to the world, inviting others to be known and loved.

A Working Definition of Friendship

What is friendship? We misdefine or misuse the word "friend" in our world today. As I reflected on Scripture, I came up with this working definition:

A friend is someone who reaches out, invites you in, gets to know you, loves you unconditionally, and ultimately points you toward God—toward His goodness and His ways.

A biblical, spiritual friend extends their life to you regardless of what they can get from you. It isn't about utility; it's an extension of God's love.

There are different levels of friendship. Some are very deep and close—we can only maintain a few of those—while others are lighter. But among God's people, friendship is unconditional. We are called to bear one another's burdens, care for each other, speak truth in love, and encourage one another.

This is different from Facebook friends or simple acquaintances. You might have co-workers you talk to regularly on video calls and know basic facts about, but that doesn't necessarily make them friends if deeper elements are missing. Today, we are focusing on spiritual friendship—the bond between God's people and how we extend that to the world.

How Friendship Is Established

Friendship is ultimately established on common interests and values. In 1 Samuel 18, Jonathan pursues a friendship with David. Why? Because he sees something in David that he sees in himself. That commonality becomes the foundation they build upon.

Chapters earlier, before David faced Goliath, Jonathan stood before a Philistine garrison with only his armor-bearer and a single sword. Jonathan said, "The Lord can save by many or by few." He showed courage, boldness, and faith that God could save regardless of the numbers. He wanted to see God's people advance.

When David walked onto the field as a shepherd boy with a sling, expressing that same conviction and trust in God, Jonathan recognized a kindred spirit. The text says Jonathan loved David as his own soul.

Friendships are built on common ground. As the church, we share the ultimate commonality: a common faith, a common hope, a common Lord, and a common baptism. These core truths unite us and allow for deep connections across diverse backgrounds.

I remember meeting a refugee from Uganda who was wiping tables at a Panera Bread in uptown Charlotte. After a quick conversation, I realized he was a believer, and we ended up talking for ten minutes. While we didn't become lifelong friends, the foundation for immediate connection was already there because of our shared faith in Christ.

Key Elements of Biblical Friendship

Looking at the text, we see several vital elements that define true friendship:

1. Trust and Vulnerability

Friendships fundamentally require trust. David was identified as a threat to the throne, growing in victory and strength. As King Saul's firstborn, Jonathan was the rightful heir. Humanly speaking, David was a threat to Jonathan's inheritance.

Yet, because of their covenant bond and deep trust, David ran to Jonathan in his moment of need rather than fleeing to his own family. He risked going to the king's son—the very person who had reason to eliminate him—because he trusted his friend.

Trust creates the opportunity to be transparent and vulnerable. You cannot truly know someone or be known by them without trust. Without it, people only know facts about you, not your heart, joys, passions, fears, or sorrows.

When I was an Eagle Scout, I learned the scout handshake, which is done with the left hand. The history of that handshake traces back to the Ashanti warriors in West Africa. Warriors greeted each other with their left hand because it forced them to lower their shield, setting aside their defenses. It communicated: I am lowering my defenses. I trust you, but I am also making myself vulnerable.

That is what friendship requires. Among the people of God, we don't need to posture or act like we have it all together to be accepted. We are already fully loved by God. That security gives us the confidence to trust others and be vulnerable.

2. Loyalty and Covenant Love (Hesed)

Jonathan showed remarkable loyalty. He laid aside his claim to the throne, hinting in his conversation with David that he knew David would one day be king. In the ancient Near East, a new king typically executed the family of the previous dynasty to eliminate threats. Jonathan asked David to preserve his life and his family's lineage, relying on their covenant of friendship.

In verse 8, David says, "Therefore, deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the Lord with you." The word translated as "kindly" or "lovingkindness" is the Hebrew word hesed.

Translators often struggle to capture hesed because it combines loyalty, faithfulness, love, and devotion. It is the word most often used to describe God's covenant love for His people—a faithful, devoted love that never turns away. David asked Jonathan for that kind of loyal love, and Jonathan gave it.

Jonathan managed this loyalty with wisdom. He didn't blindly betray his father through a coup, nor did he side with his father to murder David. He balanced his obligations by addressing his father's sin while remaining fiercely loyal to his covenant friend.

3. Radical Selflessness

Jonathan exhibited complete selflessness. In verse 4, he tells David, "Whatever you say, I will do for you." He put David's safety and God's plan above his own self-preservation and political ambitions.

Our culture conditions us to be consumers in relationships, asking what others can provide for us in terms of entertainment, status, or value. True friendship is selfless. It means showing up for someone regardless of the cost to yourself.

Selflessness also means being willing to risk the relationship to tell a friend the truth. Proverbs says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend," and "A friend loves at all times." A real friend will put aside the desire to be liked in order to speak truth when someone is headed down a destructive path. Jonathan and David both displayed this selflessness, and David honored his promise years later by showing kindness to Jonathan's descendants.

Seeing Christ in Jonathan's Example

Jonathan knew who he was and trusted God's plan for his life. That trust allowed him to set aside his own ambition. He realized that even if it meant he wouldn't be king, he was fully loved and accepted by God.

While the Old Testament usually points to David as a type of Christ, in this chapter, Jonathan serves as a picture of Jesus. Jonathan was loyal to his father, yet loyal to his friend, and his selfless devotion ultimately cost him his position and his life.

In John 15, Jesus says:

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. No longer do I call you servants... but I have called you friends."

Jesus is the ultimate friend who laid down His life for us when we were helpless. When we rest in His friendship, we are freed from using others to fill our internal voids. Instead, we can extend genuine, selfless, and loyal friendship to those around us.

Closing Prayer

Lord, we thank You for the gift of friendship and, above all, for Your friendship toward us. Thank You that while we were far off, You pursued us, loved us, and called us Your friends.

Help us to rest so deeply in Your love that we don't look to the world to validate us. Fill us with Your grace so that we can be trustworthy, loyal, and selfless friends to one another in the church, and a bridge of Your love to a lonely world.

Transform our community into a reflection of Your kingdom. In Jesus' name, Amen.